Are you tired of being single? Maybe you’ve gotten interest from people you’re not interested in, but the ones you like just aren’t that into you. Worse yet, maybe your prospects are thinning faster than the hair on your head — and, that clock on the wall has never seemed to tick quite so loudly! 😬
Or, maybe you’re already married, but you’ve found yourself in a dry place. Maybe you’re wondering why you’re still so lonely. You might even be secretly thinking, “Did I miss ‘The One’?”
No matter where you’re at in life — one thing is certain. Life can be a lonely place. Which begs the question: “How should we manage that?”
In this two-part message, we’re going to look at singleness and marriage, “The One”, and how to know if the Holy Spirit is really telling us if someone is the right person to marry. I was writing a book, but this topic was weighing on me, so I decided to take some time to write up something separate to address it. Because these are big topics, each part is about the length of a chapter in a book. I pray that they are helpful for some!
Is “The One” a harmful idea?
I recently stumbled into a discussion over whether the idea of “The One” was something a Christian should hope for. The general consensus among the others was that God didn’t have a particular plan for a specific marriage partner.
Now — I had just come from a time of worship, and I was feeling pretty good. Against my better judgment, I chose to share what I thought was an encouraging, albeit alternative opinion. Although my positivity was not well received — I shared that I didn’t think it was quite all random, and that for some, I believe that there even may be a “one”.
With that said, I also had to acknowledge that the issue is a little more complex than it appears, and I agreed with my opposition that misunderstanding it can have devastating effects.
As we take this journey together, we’re going to take a look at this idea — as well as singleness and marriage — in the hope of discovering the truth on these complicated topics, especially as they relate to Christians. I will also share, from my heart, some stories and encouragement for those friends who are struggling with loneliness.
Before we go too deep, however, I want to start by listing a few of the good points held by those who have the opposite view to mine on “the one”.
We’ll start with the sister who really popped my worship-induced joy balloon — promptly sending me crashing back to earth!
She said that with 8 billion people in the world, my view of God having a right “one” for someone is — and I’m quoting here — “stupid”.
(Balloons notwithstanding — she at least did not mince words! 🎈🤺)
Crassness aside, I chose to believe that the heart behind her argument is out of concern for the marital casualties that have tragically ensued as a result of people misunderstanding the idea of “the one” and of God’s role in marriage.
It is true that many married people, today, are sadly becoming convinced that they’ve married the wrong one. Many of these end up deciding to leave in search of greener pastures — sometimes repeating this cycle over and over in a depressing loneliness loop. Even more tragically — although not usually intentional — this destroys not only the the lives of both partners, but it also affects the children who are often caught in the middle. Despite having the knowledge of God, this has sadly become common even in many Christian homes, today.
[If that describes you — even a little — I’d ask you to give this message a shot anyway. This isn’t written to condemn you! The hope is rather to help set people free from the lie of the enemy that they are trapped in a hopeless place. Even if you’re a little mad at me, if you still give me a chance to hear me out to the end — I thank you for having the heart to listen!]
With this in mind — although I cannot agree with the ultimate conclusion that God creating two people for one another is “stupid” — I can agree with the concern for married people. I believe the key here is that we’ve taken on a sort of Hollywood idea of “the one” — in that it principally lacks the understanding of who God is and how He works in our lives and relationships.
Another area in which I must acknowledge that this idea can hurt Christians is when we allow ourselves to become perhaps a bit too excited, thinking we’ve heard from the Holy Spirit on who we’re supposed to marry, yet we end up being wrong.
Maybe you’re turning red with embarrassment right now. Maybe there’s a memory or four coming to mind of when you missed it. If so, don’t feel bad. I’m right there with you — a few times over.
Mrs. or Missed-It?
No doubt many of us have heard the amazing stories of how God provided “the one” for someone. Just recently, I heard two such stories from professing Christians.
One woman shared a dream she had in which a strange man appeared to her. She said she’d never seen the man before. Later on, however, she saw that very same man — in the flesh — while at a nightclub. What’s more — it turned out that their mutual friends had been planning to set them up. They eventually married.
Another man shared his story of how — when he first saw his wife — he knew immediately. He went on to describe throwing out multiple “fleeces” for God. He even prayed that God would cause her to say a very exact, weird phrase, which involved a dessert food. Sure enough, as the story goes, she showed up and said the phrase verbatim — dessert in hand, to boot!
I don’t know about her baking skills, but he at least got a wife out of the deal! Wouldn’t that be nice?
Aside from these, I can actually think back to several other stories I’ve heard that are very similar in their extreme, unusual nature. One thing worth noting, however, is that — although professing Christianity — all of the people behind the stories I’ve shared and can think of are also engaged in deceptive ministry. Some teach forms of divination and spiritism. Some deny the authority and authenticity of the Bible, even condoning what the Bible calls sin. One goes so far as to twist the Scripture in order to extract millions of dollars from the poor and sick, often telling them that they can only receive healing if they give extravagantly.
Now I want to pause very quickly, here, to say that I’m not a heresy hunter. However, I also know that it is both Biblical and critical for us to look to the fruit of those we let influence our faith and understanding — especially as we tend to let the experiences they share, shape our expectation of the experiences we think we should be having with God.
Oftentimes, we hear of these special ministers taking frequent, casual day-trips to heaven or chatting with angels every day over dinner. If you’re like me, you may have heard stories like this and felt pretty low about your own relationship with God. If so, you’ve probably found yourself thinking — “I guess I’m just not Godly enough.”
I also want to mention that I’m not saying that all miraculous stories of meeting “the one” are untrue! To the contrary — I believe that God writes incredible loves stories and He also performs amazing miracles in people’s lives, even today!
As it turns out, however, while God does orchestrate miraculous encounters, He’s far more masterful in His ability than we can imagine. His mind is so infinitely brilliant that He’s able to accomplish the grand designs He has for our lives in ways that are so subtle and almost imperceptible, that their very humility in approach brings us to absolute awe — especially when we see the final tapestry, woven together with a million of these “insignificant” threads.
To put it another way — like the beauty of the orchestra, whose lulls and swells flow together so fluently that there are no seams or stutters, so His plans come together in our lives. A miraculous event is like a crashing symbol — which is necessary at times for effect — but the symphony, itself, bears the full weight of its cumulative mastery.
So, if you’ve ever felt less important or unloved by God when you consider these stories of miraculous encounters, and if God still hasn’t given you so much as a vision or a sign — (much less any baked goods with a spouse attached!) — don’t get too upset just yet.
Conversely, if you think He has already spoken to you, then I encourage you to read on, as what I’m about to share may be even more important!
My Mrs. Missed-It
The stories we’ve just talked about remind me of a story from my own life, which I’ve never shared before. This is a story quite similar to the ones you’ve just heard; except that in my case, it has a different ending — and I thank God for it!
In fact — had God not protected me — I would’ve likely been fleeced by my own fleece.
Several years ago, I moved to a new area and started attending a certain church — I would later learn that this church had a lot of demonic activity. For many reasons, including not knowing anyone in the area, this was one of the saddest and most lonely periods of my life.
Although it was a difficult time, my loneliness caused me to spend most of my time with God. As a result, I felt very close to the Holy Spirit, who faithfully comforted me in my time of pain. Despite the difficulties of those days, I still look fondly on the many joyful moments which were both powerful and undoubtedly filled by the Holy Spirit’s leading.
In that same time period, however, I also encountered a couple of odd experiences. They were also undeniably powerful. But, they did not have the assuring and familiar peace that comes from the Holy Spirit.
In one such experience, I felt I heard that a certain girl in the church was supposed to be my future wife.
This had come from out of nowhere. I wasn’t particularly very attracted to the girl, and I didn’t think that our personalities or interests would match very well, but I knew enough at that point to know that this wasn’t just coming from my imagination, so I kept it in mind.
A few days later, while getting ready to leave for an evening service, I had another feeling. This time — it urged me to pray a specific prayer.
If she’s the one, bring her up on stage and honor her powerfully, tonight.
Somehow, I knew that this idea didn’t originate with me, either.
Now, the difference in these feelings and the Holy Spirit is difficult to describe. Unlike the Holy Spirit, they had more of a “cold”, nervous feeling. It was more forceful, and it did not carry the usual peace and assurance that accompanies the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless, although sensing something was different, I was still naive to this difference. I ultimately chose to pray the prayer, throwing out my “fleece” for God to prove.
I should probably also mention that this girl was a fairly behind-the-scenes person in most ways. She wasn’t usually near the stage, and she didn’t seem very comfortable when she was there. What’s more — in the years I’d spent watching the services, before moving there — I’d never seen the church publicly honour someone. With all that in mind, I considered it to be a pretty good fleece.
Incredibly, that same night as the service was beginning, the leader of the church got up and called her up to the front. As she took her place next to him, he said, “We just want to honour you for all you’ve done!”
He went on for quite awhile, continuing to lavishly praise her for her character and her many efforts behind the scenes. At the end of it all — they gave her a brand new car!
Well — that certainly confirmed it! After more than twenty years of dreaming, the moment I’d been waiting for was finally here! I wanted to celebrate, yet something still didn’t feel right. Despite this feeling, I pushed it aside, because my proverbial “fleece was dry”.
After all — this was what I’d asked for… Wasn’t it?
In hindsight, I now see that the one thing I didn’t fully consider is that the idea for the fleece wasn’t mine to begin with.
To make a very long story short, God protected me and got me out of that place — fortunately, before I could even meet the girl. Though it was very painful, circumstances came together in such a way that I had to leave that area and return to where I’d moved from. There was no getting around it.
I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that God protected me from a satanic setup. Fortunately, His miracle of protection was greater than the false miracle I’d just witnessed.
God Protects His Children
To further support the idea that God has a special plan for a spouse — I can also think of several other times He protected me in this area. In contrast to the story I just shared — these other times were from earlier in my life, during seasons where I was walking away from the Lord and dating someone I shouldn’t have been.
Although I’d thoroughly committed myself to Him as a child and young man, there were several times in my youth where — in depression or frustration — I backslid and did not follow Him as I should. During those years of walking astray — when I was dating someone I should not have been — never fail, the very moment I decided I might want to “pop the question”, my life turned immediately and violently upside down.
I will never forget — in one instance, I was dating a girl for quite awhile and had fallen in love with her and her two year old son. She lived about an hour away, and one day, on the drive over, I made the decision that I was going ask her to marry me. My heart was full as I started planning what type of ring I was going to buy and how I might ask her. I remember being so excited, I could hardly keep from telling her when I arrived to pick her up.
That feeling didn’t last long, however, as just hours later, she cheated on me — in front of me — with more than one person.
I still remember the feeling of that cold, unflinching wall against my back, as I sat on the floor in the next room. I sat there — unable to move and in sheer disbelief — for what felt like an eternity. I was shattered.
Sadly, most of us have become acquainted with this type of pain that could have been avoided if we’d only not walked in foolishness. I now recognize that during those times, God was merciful enough to rip off the band-aid, so to speak. He let me wander for awhile, but when it came down to a permanent decision, He immediately put a stop to it, making sure I would walk away from the idea.
I won’t say much more than this, regarding that particular girl, but let me just say that some years later, the story behind the old country song “Thank God for Unanswered Prayers” profoundly resonates with me.
With that said — though this is true for a season where I was walking away from God — the more recent season at the church I told you about was also very painful. Even though I was walking toward the Lord, and not away, it still managed to be the worst and most painful season of my life.
Even in that, though, I’ve come to recognize that all of it — all of the pain and the loneliness taken together — was still all intentionally laid out to build me up, make my way straight, and help me to gain understanding on some things.
And, although I’ve experienced many things in life — including attacks by practicing satanists — I have to say that the experiences I had at that demonic church demonstrated an entirely different kind of power.
At that time, I was unfamiliar with it, but I have since come to realize that it was the power of a false holy spirit.
Fortunately, since that time, I’ve gotten better at recognizing it. Hopefully, this can help you to recognize it too, so you that you can hear clearly and avoid your own pain from a false word.
The False Holy Spirit
I promise we will return to talking about marriage and singleness soon, but I’m sure we probably agree that it is critical for us, as believers in Christ, to be able to understand and discern the spirits which might try to pull us away from God’s path — whether that path involves finding the right mate, or the many other important decisions we’ll face in our walk with Him.
Regarding the false holy spirit I experienced at the demonic church — its characteristics can best be described as forceful and cold. This spirit seems to flourish and make its home in churches who practice a sort of Charismatic-based legalism. It condemns, scoffs pridefully, lacks love, gossips, and its people tend to think of themselves as very powerful, spiritually. The primary way to recognize this spirit is by its lack of love — which is made most evident by its extreme hostility toward “outsiders”.
I actually believe that this spirit is the very same which inhabits the more radical, zealous sects of Islam. Remember — to the actual spirit, itself, the specifics of the doctrine don’t matter. What matters to it is that the doctrine lacks love, which makes it a deception. Even truth, without love, is not real Truth.
As believers, we know that the true Holy Spirit carries with Him a spirit of Peace, which we can feel even if our world is turned upside. While the people under this particular false spirit feel powerful and bold in themselves, the true Holy Spirit causes us to feel all at once vulnerable and powerless, yet also fully shielded and secure, wrapped up in His love.
Despite the immense feeling of vulnerability, we know that we are safe — protected under the Shadow of His Wings. And — although feeling personally powerless — we are keenly aware of His own tremendous Love and Power, which surround and garrison us, causing us to tremble in awe, and to fear no evil.
The true Holy Spirit also does not rush or cause us worry. Instead, He fills us with faith and trust, leaving us willing and happy to wait on His perfect timing. And yet — it is the very same Spirit who also motivates and invigorates us with strength and boldness to act when the time is right! These moments of boldness, however, are always to bring Him Glory — and not ourselves. We also know that He chooses the weak things of the world to use for these moments so that His Spirit will be the evident source of their power!
Though it’s good to know the traits of both the true Holy Spirit and the false holy spirit which I’ve already talked about — to complicate matters a bit more — there are actually several false holy spirits to watch out for.
Another that is common, today, presents itself as the opposite of the first — yet its root is the same.
This false holy spirit bears the name “love”, and it brings a more sensual, physical pleasure. It likes to live in Charismatic-based liberal churches, but it can also be found in some non-Christian religions. This spirit presents itself as loving and welcoming. And — in contrast with its colder counterpart — it rejects or usurps Biblical Truth in favour of what it calls “love”. However, we also know that love without Truth is not real Love.
The churches or religions that house this false spirit generally offer some new level of intellectual knowledge — claiming that this knowledge makes its members superior in their understanding of spiritual things.
Though it will often acknowledge the Bible as a source of “light” — the “special knowledge” and “revelation” that the group teaches will always exceed the visible and obvious teachings of the Bible — even going so far as to contradict them, outright.
Paradoxically, it generally makes the claim that this contradictory “knowledge” coexists in harmony with the Bible — trying to force the illogical idea that two opposing views can both be true, at the same time. With that said, though, one is still always “truer”.
This is a concept known in the occult as “greater light” and “lesser light” — where the Bible is always the lesser light. The idea is that the “greater light” of esoteric teaching gives the full truth, and the Bible is a sort of starting point which only “hints” at the truth. It claims that the Bible ultimately — and intentionally — hides the greater truth from the unenlightened.
[Example: Bill Johnson says, “All things in the Bible are true, but some are truer than others.” According to him, some things in the Bible are invalidated by his church’s interpretation of other passages. They’d never go so far as to say that these verses are invalid, however. They’ll simply call them “lesser truth”, instead]
However loving the spirit in these places may present itself to be, the reality of the so-called special revelation offered in these churches or religions is that their “light” amounts to pure darkness. There is no delicate way to say it. Though the teachings masquerade as wisdom, they are nonsense and foolishness. It might feel good, but that is because its focus is on the sensual.
During your walk with Jesus and your search for a mate — or on your journey together, once you’ve found one — it is good to watch for and avoid both of these spirits.
Test The Spirits
Now — with all this talk of lying spirits — you might be feeling pretty nervous. Trust me when I say that this is not my intent! As we also discussed, God is good and He protects His children!
I have a good friend who reached out, not long ago, about her own difficult dating situation.
She’d been dating a man for nearly a year, and they had planned to be married. Although they lived in different countries, they had managed to begin and maintain their relationship online. Near the beginning, the man prophesied to her that they were supposed to be married. And, in her desire to be married, she told me that she hesitantly decided to believe him.
Over time, however, he became increasingly abusive and unkind to her. Although he wanted to be in ministry, he also told her — in so many words — that he was unwilling to submit to any earthly authority. Despite this, he also expected the church denomination to fully fund his life and ministry efforts.
After awhile, my friend’s feeling that something was not right increased more and more. It eventually grew to the point where she could no longer ignore it, so she decided to end the relationship. Before she did, she asked me for my opinion on whether she was making the right choice. She also sent me a number of their interactions in order to help me get a gauge for the situation.
As I read through what she’d sent, I saw all the familiar hallmarks of sociopathic behaviour. While I can’t say for certain that he is — his demands, cruelty, and pride were worrying. What stood out most, however, were a few things he said which strongly indicated that physical violence and forced confinement would become factors when they met in person. After contemplation and prayer on the matter, I felt confident in telling her that I believed she was making the right choice to leave. I also gave her some advice on how to safely — yet firmly — cut ties.
Having seen this type of thing before, I listed a few methods of manipulation I felt he might try in order to get her back. During their courtship, he had forcefully demanded her full submission to his rules — including specific clothes, no use of makeup, etc. In her desire to prepare to be a good wife, she had complied with each increasing demand.
While a few of his points were Biblically based, in principle, some were excessive or altogether unbiblical (ie. “You cannot be baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. You must get re-baptized in the name of Jesus only, or it doesn’t count.”)
With that said — even if all of his points had been Biblical — the one thing that was very clear was the harsh spirit with which he demanded and enforced his rules. In between random swings of praising and berating her, he was always saying things like, “People are going to be looking at you and judging me, so you can’t make any mistakes and make me look bad!” And, “You conform to ME, I don’t conform for you.”
This is not the attitude of a man who loves his wife like Christ loves the church.
After breaking it off, she later told me that he did, indeed, use many of the tactics I’d mentioned he may. A man like him, who has successfully groomed someone to follow his orders for over a year, does not like to give up that type of control easily.
However — because my friend is a very sweet, gentle person — she told me that she was not quite as firm with him as I’d recommended, and the door was still somewhat open.
Nevertheless, despite all of this, God miraculously protected her in a way that was far more effective than my carefully laid plans ever could have been!
Even with the door not all the way shut — she continued praying for help.
All of the sudden, one day the man simply decided he’d changed his mind about it being God’s will for them to be married. Miraculously, he told her that he started believing that God wanted him to be alone.
She privately told me…
I said ‘Ok. We will pray on it,’ but I was secretly praising God for His mercy!
Aside from God’s protection, another common theme between her story and my own is that we both somehow knew that the spirit behind the prophecies concerning these wrong marital partners wasn’t from God. In our cases, the Holy Spirit helped us to recognize it.
This is why the Bible tells us to test the spirits.
If I’m being honest — most of the times I’ve thought the Holy Spirit told me someone was “the one”, it was my own imagination or hope. I actually think that this is true for most of us, more often than not. It reminds me of the old adage you’ll hear a lot of preachers say — “Not every dream is from God. Many are just the pizza you had last night.”
One thing that helps us to understand this idea of “testing the spirits” is to recognize that “spirit” does not always just mean “demon”. For example, the Bible talks of a “Spirit of Wisdom”. It also speaks of a spirit of pride, anger, and others. While demons can certainly be involved, I believe that when we talk about there being a “spirit of” something, it can be thought of sort of like the wind in the sails of a boat.
In maritime terminology, you might hear a sailor say something like, “A North Wind came in and caught us, pushing us off our course.” They understand that different winds have different effects on their efforts to reach their destination.
We also see this idea exemplified in the Hebrew word for Spirit, which is the word Ruach (roo-akh). Literally translated, it means wind or breath. In the New Testament, Jesus also likens the Spirit of God to the wind.
With that in mind, I would like to suggest that the under-appreciated spiritual gift of discerning of spirits is something that every believer should pray for and work closely with God to develop.
I’ll be honest when I tell you that it’s a difficult gift, because it requires tremendous humility, which we do not naturally possess. Developing it will most likely involve many difficult lessons along the way. These lessons are to ensure you’ve mastered it in a way that allows you to discern spirits without judging people, adopting a spirit of pride for yourself. Developing this gift is an ongoing and a painful process, but it is life-saving.
With that said — especially in these days — it is also one of the most critical gifts that we should be asking for.
When we know the Word, we can logically identify when something is off. Fortunately, though, even if we’re still lacking in understanding in a particular area, the Holy Spirit within us will often give that “tugging” feeling, as He did with me and my friend, letting us know that there’s a dangerous wind — from another direction — blowing someone’s sail.
When we know the direction the Word of God is blowing, we can identify which direction the wind is blowing with regard to a particular word or person. By discernment, we know that if two winds aren’t blowing in the same direction, we can keep ourselves from a lot of trouble by staying away from the wrong one.
That is the life-saving ability offered by the gift of discerning of spirits.
My Invisible Family
This last story I want to share is embarrassing for me.
It almost didn’t make it in to this piece — partially because it is embarrassing, but mostly because it is tricky to tell it in a way that also preserves the dignity of the person it involves. After wrestling with it, I think it’s important to tell — as it’s a poignant, cautionary tale on discerning the spirit when it comes to a “word” on who to marry.
Several years ago, when I began sharing messages and teaching, I had a sudden massive surge in Facebook friend requests. Almost overnight, I had what you could call a ministry — though I hadn’t planned to start one. Suddenly, there were thousands of people who began reading what I shared, and many started sending me messages, questions, and prayer requests.
If Solomon were alive today, I imagine he might write a proverb like, “There are two things I do not understand; indeed, three which are too great for me: the way of the eagle in the air, the way of Facebook’s algorithms, and the way of a woman.” (Just teasing, ladies!)
In any case, while this marked a very beautiful period in life for me, it ultimately became very overwhelming. I had been responding to every private message — despite there being hundreds per day — as well as writing, doing videos, and running a prayer group for the many requests. Eventually I got to 12hrs per day, and I was still barely keeping up. Every morning, I was drowned by new requests. It wasn’t sustainable.
Another reason it became very difficult was due to dealing with many different types of evil spirits along the way.
In one instance, I had a woman who would message me every day asking for prayer. I would pray for her — as I did for others — but each day she became increasingly more desperate for a response and less specific on the request.
It eventually became…
Pray for me again, man of God, or I will die this very day!!!
I began to see that this was unhealthy, so I started to sort of “wean” her off, by simply responding with — “praying”.
At first, I did this three times a week, and eventually got it to about once a month. I still prayed, but I was hoping she’d find peace in relying on God and not on me.
This same woman would also comment on every picture and post, multiple times — re-commenting on old posts when there wasn’t something new.
Now — by that point, I’d learned that some people develop an unhealthy image of a “man of God” as some sort of higher religious figure, which somehow deserves special honour and reverence. This honestly upsets me, and I try to make it clear in my writing that no one — especially me — should be put in that place. I’m not sure if it should, but it even makes me uncomfortable when people call me “Man of God” or other reverent titles. I know that many are simply trying to show respect, however, and I appreciate the kindness, when that’s the true intent.
In any case, I naively assumed that this woman just had a little bit too high an opinion of people she saw as ministers. Unfortunately, the reality turned out to be worse.
One day I woke up to find a massive influx of messages from this woman. To my horror, she’d gotten ahold of the few videos I’d posted in which I was teaching and praying, and she had manually taken hundreds of screen captures in order to have a bevy of photos of me. I think she had more photos of me than were ever actually taken throughout my entire lifetime with a camera!
To make matters worse, she had also taken the time to make elaborate collages with writing and pictures scrawled across them — something akin to a middle school girl’s diary of her crushes.
As I scrolled and scrolled, moving upward through the disturbing images, I eventually made it to the top where she explained herself.
God revealed to me that you are going to be my husband. And I don’t care how you feel about it. It’s going to happen.
According to her, we also had three children together — and she knew all of their names.
The myriad images of me, she explained, were “proof” that God intended us to be together. I’m not sure how this was meant to prove anything, but in her world, it did.
Well — I’d just about had it, at that point. The writing was on the wall. I was becoming burned out from the weight of it all and from the nonsensical rebukes and discussions with people who made claims like, “If someone in another country gets saved from a Spanish Bible or if a cognitively slow person uses a simpler translation — I don’t care! They’re both going to hell! King James only or BURN!”
Facebook is a horrible place.
Ultimately, although many wonderful moments and answered prayers also happened, I was tired and grieved to my core. I ended up closing off all contact, shutting down my profile, and simply running a Facebook Page instead [which, as it turns out, Facebook’s algorithms did not smile upon as brightly. Of some 6000 followers, most posts were only shown to about 30-60 people].
Anyway, after several years, I recently made the decision to come back. I deeply missed the connections with the true believers who had love in their hearts!
This time, I was ready to do it differently — even making the hard choice of not responding to most messages. (I still pray with people, write, and answer questions, but I have to carefully choose which to respond to)
I was happy to reconnect with the people I missed! However, only a few hours after my return, I also discovered that the woman’s obsession did not stop. In fact, she’d managed to dig up personal information about me from somewhere and created a fake profile for me. She had been carrying on an imaginary relationship with it. I also learned that she’d been talking to my friends every day for those years, ingratiating herself into their lives. (I had never told them what happened with her)
In seeing this, I made the difficult decision to share the story publicly, hoping that it might force confrontation with reality.
Sadly, however, my friends who talk to her tell me that she’s still not given up. She’s upset with me, but she’s resolute that it is going to happen — whether I like it or not.
I also learned two other pieces of news.
It turns out that we had a fourth child while I was away. 🎉
And — the first three were triplets.
So… There’s that. 😓
The truth is, while it is funny in ways, this whole ordeal actually still makes me feel depressed and unsafe, sometimes. This is an example of someone who says, “You are sexually mine, and I don’t care what you think about it.” Worse yet, they add to it, “God says so.”
While I want, in some ways, to afford some dignity for this woman — because I understand what it is to feel alone and to desire a marriage partner — the reason I ultimately chose not to stay silent on the matter is because the spirit there is forceful and evil. I’ve come to believe that keeping it in the dark and hiding away does not help anyone.
The reason I’ve shared it again today, however, is because it is an extreme example of how a false spirit can actually latch its claws into your mind and ruin lives. Although it is a nuisance to my life, I can only imagine the hell it must be for her mind. She’s actively choosing — day after day — to live in a disparate reality, forming relationships and memories with children and a spouse, who do not exist in reality.
This means that any single reminder of reality — like this very writing, which she will undoubtedly read because her compulsion forces her to — will be yet another world-shattering event that either drives her to abandon the fantasy or, unfortunately, that drives her deeper into the madness of a disparate reality that does not exist. I hope, for her sake, it is the former this time.
So, let’s take a minute and come back up for air.
If you’re suddenly struck by fear or guilt because you’ve hit refresh one too many times on your crush’s profile, don’t feel bad. Attraction is good — and, I would even argue that having a keen interest in whether someone “likes you back” is a natural part of the whole process of romantic interest!
Butterflies and even the mildly unreasonable bit of extra attention you pay to someone you like can be a good sign.
If you’re there, my encouragement to you is three-fold.
- Keep God first
- Keep it in check — so the person doesn’t become and idol (and so you don’t get weird)
- Walk with God the whole way — asking Him to help you either take the steps you need in order to get to know the person or to help you lose interest, if they’re not the right one for you!
The key, here, is to remember to stay grounded in reality and to not become obsessed. No Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful is ever going to fill that void completely. We’ll talk more about how to find that right balance a little later.
Breaking Up with Fantasy
While uncomfortable, I have to admit this whole invisible family ordeal actually helped me in a way.
The truth is — in many ways — I also tend to live in my own head.
To be honest with you, living in my head is actually very helpful for a lot of what I do. It’s where I create solutions and dream up strategies and engineering plans. It’s often where my messages are born and refined. It can even help me to play out interactive scenarios, so I can test my own heart’s responses to see if I’m walking in Love and Truth. With that said, however, it can also leave a temptation to live life in a controlled environment, where I get to dictate who says what and to determine what happens.
Although I may not have gone as deep down the rabbit hole as this poor woman, it does leave me to wonder how much of actual life I might be missing out on. How many opportunities might I be passing on, preferring to not risk the dream ending differently than I’d hoped? It is certainly much safer to dream about tomorrow than it is to act, today.
Maybe — in my perfect reality — the triplets always eat their mashed peas, and they never make a mess.
The wife is almost always kind to me. (She hurts me sometimes, but she always apologizes first and makes me delicious tacos to say she’s sorry!)
In my reality — the dog never chews my shoes, and the cat-box never smells!
My invisible family is always there just when I need them, and I can put them back on the shelf whenever I have something else to do.
The problem is, however exciting or perfect my fantasy world might be, it will never be real.
If this resonates with you, let me kindly suggest the following — one dreamer to another — don’t trade your precious few years in reality for a fantasy world.
Yes — the real world has pain. You will fail and blow it. You might even get rejected.
In fact, you probably will — over and over.
Some days, more mashed peas are going to end up on your face than in the kids’ faces, and it might be hard to find a moment to yourself when you need a break.
However — I can promise you this — if you keep walking forward and refuse to be paralyzed by fear and transfixed by fantasy, God will lead you to the reality He has for you.
It’s good to dream and plan, but what I’m talking about is not getting stuck there.
If you choose to follow Him and keep from getting stuck in fantasy, at the end of your life, you’ll be able look back on real memories that are far more beautiful — in all their messy glory — than your cultivated fantasies ever could be.
To get there, you need to test the spirits, follow His lead, take shots when you believe it’s right, and if someone rejects you, recognize that you missed it and move on. (Forgive the emphasis. My situation considered, I believe it’s necessary)
To be honest, I know that most of you don’t have any named triplets or an actual family living in your head. Nevertheless, it still may be good time to ask yourself what steps in life you’ve been avoiding because you’ve been supplementing them with fantasies. This part of the message may just be for me, but I have to tell you that this hits closer to home than I’m comfortable with. I’ll even go so far as to say, I’d appreciate prayer on this!
In any event, whatever it might be, I think we would all do well to have a look to our own lives in order to take inventory of our own fantasies. Some might need to go, some may need to be put on hold, and others may need to be replaced by action. Let the Word of God and the Holy Spirit, together, be your guide to know how to address each.
Either way — though it might be hard — it’s probably time to kiss that invisible family goodbye. God’s best is waiting, but it won’t wait forever.
The Good News
Now, I know that so far, we haven’t talked much about whether “the one” is real, and we’ve not gotten into the hopeful part for those who are lonely.
Don’t worry! We get to that and cover the good news in Part 2 (click here to continue reading)!
I hope you’ll join me there as we conclude this message.