This is Part 2 of a two-part message in which we discuss singleness, marriage, “The One”, and how to know if the Holy Spirit is really telling us if someone is the right person to marry.
If you haven’t already, I recommend reading Part 1 first!
The Good News
I know that Part 1 might have been a bit more of a sobering message, in parts.
The truth is, before we could get to the good news about God’s plan for these things, I felt it was a good idea to first investigate some of the problems, pitfalls, worldly ideas, and even a few of the tools that the enemy uses to pull us away from God’s best path for our lives. With that said, we’ve also already laid a foundation of good news in what we’ve covered so far.
The reason I shared my own stories of missing it — both in times of walking with and away from God — was to illustrate that He is able to guide and correct the courses of those He Loves. Put more simply — He is powerfully able to get you to where He wants you to be, so you don’t need to stress out quite so much!
If you’ve ever felt altogether tired and wired because of still being single — that is good news, indeed!
We also discussed some more good news! It turns out you don’t need fleeces, dreams, or even baked goods to get you where you need to go! Instead, we know that God promises to order the steps of those who love Him. Remember, He even showed Grace to someone like me, who loved Him but had walked away from living right, for a time. That shows not only a powerful but a merciful God.
As one last short disclaimer, I must also mention that there were several times in my life where God clearly spoke to me and said, “You’ve reached a critical crossroad. If you don’t leave this now, you’ll forfeit the plan I have for you.”
When I hit those points, by His Grace, I ran from my sin, and I didn’t look back. I knew He was serious. So, I should caution that you should not take my stories as a license to walk however you want forever and still expect to end up with His Best. Instead, they show a God who covers and takes an active role in helping His children to grow and to make it to the right place, even though they will make mistakes along the way.
Finally, I also don’t want anyone to think that we should not listen to the Holy Spirit or to feel condemned if you’ve “thrown out a fleece”.
In the matter of finding the right partner, we need the Holy Spirit more than ever, but I also think that if you’re like me or many others I know — you might just have a blind spot there.
This is an area where, I admit, I’ve let my own hope be mistaken for the Holy Spirit too many times. After awhile of this, I’ve learned to personally lean far more on God and prayer for help than to listen for a whisper in this area. To put it simply — I’ve decided to trust Him to author my love story.
Feelings are fleeting, but hope springs eternal. For that reason, I place my hope in His Love and ability to see beyond what I can see, and I defer my feelings to that same hope.
As far as fleeces go, I’ve had them work for me once or twice in the past for confirmation of something. What I’ve found, though, is that there is a prayer that God always answers for those who Love Him, which I believe He also prefers to fleeces…
Lord, lead me in the way I should go, and help me to trust You. Close doors that need to be closed, and don’t let anything close those that should be open. Give me Your thoughts and not my own, so that I can avoid the pain of pushing against Your will. Finally, please give me the courage and insight to act when the time is right!
When you learn to lean on Him and trust in Him — while also being obedient to His commands — He will guide you, and you will see moments of His confirmation along the way.
Sometimes, He does tell us the end result up front. If He does, that is great! But, if not, learn to trust in Him to make it happen.
With that said — now that we’ve covered the warnings and tactics of the enemy — we can finally talk about why I believe “the one” is actually God’s desire for many!
In fact — I believe we’ll discover that God is even more of a romantic than we are!
The One
As I mentioned in the beginning of Part 1, I actually believe that at least for some, there is a right one!
We know from reading Genesis that, in His affection for Adam, God created Eve using one of Adam’s own ribs. This is a striking image! It also tells us a lot about God’s heart for His people.
God could have simply created Eve from the dirt, as He did with Adam. After He was done, He could have dropped her off in the garden and gone on about His day. Instead, He chose to remove part of Adam in order to form someone specifically for him using that same part of him.
In this way, we see the astounding care and precision God took during this process. He did not simply whip up a new mate and hope that they’d get along. Instead, He formed her for him. And — in a very real sense — He conformed Adam to need and fit her as well — as she contained the piece he came to miss.
While some may call the idea of “the one” stupid, this was one of the first actions God took and one of the greatest gifts He ever gave His most beloved creation! This demonstrates that God is not only what we might call a “romantic”, but it shows that His very idea of romance goes much deeper than our minds can begin to fathom.
His plan for romance wasn’t just flowers, chocolates, and a candle-lit bedroom. Rather, it is, “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.”
I believe that somewhere, within, most of us yearn, deeply, for this type of love and connection. I believe we ache, inside, to be loved completely and understood deeply. The sobering reality of this, however — whether we are single or married — is that this need can never be fully met without a close, intimate relationship with God.
Now, when I mention an intimate relationship with God, I must sadly explain this, because of the perversion of this generation.
By way of the second false holy spirit we’ve already discussed — some, today, foolishly make this out to be something unnatural. There are actual churches which teach its people to imagine a physical marital intimacy with Christ. There are even many Christian songs which demonstrate this idea, inching ever closer, as the years go by, to more explicit detail of a sensual type of physical intimacy.
Though they do not know it, many are experiencing this false holy spirit in churches all around the world, today. In the heart of these churches, their Christ is not our Christ, and their knowledge of intimacy is tragically stunted — being confined to a place that is merely physical and sensual. This so called “love” — although having the appearance of comfort and security — is a false love.
The truth is, this false love substitutes the true depths of intimacy and partnership with tingles and trinkets.
Like some tragic celebrity marriages we see, today — it’s all about excitement, pleasure, and receiving costly physical objects as gifts. Unfortunately, these things do not sustain a partnership through hardship, and they can never satisfy the deep longings of spirit and soul.
With that said, I must also say that it is not the cold, rigid idea of “love” that is taught in the churches with the second false holy spirit, either. Real love is both commitment and emotion — all at once.
But — for those whose hearts still ache, unsatisfied and alone — there is hope!
If you’ll stay with me just a moment more, we’ll finish our journey together by discussing the hope that exists both for the married and the single, alike!
Hope for the Married
During my discussion on “the one”, there was something that one of my “opponents” said that was very profound.
She said, “I believe that once you’re married, that person becomes ‘The One’.”
This really is true.
The Bible says that when a man and woman are married, “The two become one flesh.” Of all the great mysteries of creation, this is undoubtedly one of the greatest! Paul seems to have understood this more than most, as he hinted at grasping its spiritual depth. Unfortunately, he never gave us his full knowledge on the subject. I have to admit, though I understand a bit, I believe I’m still largely in the dark on the full depth of it. However, like a kid recognizing a glimmer in the distance, I can sense that something truly profound is there.
For the fellow romantics out there, we should also remember that God is absolutely amazing in how He works! Take, for instance, the life of Joseph.
Joseph appeared to be a rather cocky young man. He seems to have seen no issue with bragging about his dreams, tattling on his brothers, or strutting around with the elaborate coat his father had given him. However, all who read the end of the story know that Joseph’s smile at the start would quickly turn to anguish. His coat of glory would be replaced by shackles and chains. And, as time moved forward, his situation would become darker and darker — adding disgrace to dishonour — before he would ever see light again.
Despite all this, God still gave the dream to the proud young man in the start, knowing the man he would become in the end. As it turns out, the struggle in between the dream and the destiny would not only be the road that took him to his destination, but the very same hardship would actually prepare him for the destiny ahead. God knew that a proud man on the throne brings down a nation, but a humble man leads and upholds it, following His direction.
You could say it this way — Joseph’s hardship wasn’t a mistake. It was actually “the one” path that God had planned for him, which would ultimately lead him to the fulfillment and the fullness of the dream that God had given him during the good times.
Beyond that, I wouldn’t have time to tell the stories of David or the many others who also had flaws and made mistakes, yet God made a plan specifically for them by using their mistakes or flaws.
So what am I saying? Not only did your one become “the one” when you married him or her, but it may well be that they truly were God’s plan all along! God knew you and what would come ahead from before you were born. The Bible says, “His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than ours.” And, “Who can know or search out the mind of God?”
Regardless of this, however, I can promise that God cares for those who love and obey Him. We know that He can make beautiful works from shattered clay pots. And, we also know that each of us is broken and flawed, so we can be especially grateful for His ability and care in this area! With these things in mind, I encourage you to not lose hope in where you are, even if the days are still dark.
If you’re married and feeling lonely or depressed, please remember this: God is still able. If Joseph had run away, or had David given up on his God, the fullness of God’s purpose and plan would never have been realized. As David said, “I would have fainted, had I not believed I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living!”
Persevere. Pray. Seek God. Obey Him, and ask Him to make you into the loving wife or husband that He intends you to be.
Remember that the Bible says, “A strand of three cords is not easily broken.”
If you’ve not taken much time for God, the biggest thing you’re missing is Him. Any relationship of two people is going to lack the true, profound, romance that God created for us to enjoy, and it will also inevitably be missing the fulfillment for that inner ache. The truth is, only God can fill that inner place, but for those who are married, He makes a way to create that three-stranded cord the bible speaks of.
Bear in mind — you can’t thread two cords together. The only way to keep two cords together is to tie them all up in knots. But with three, they can easily be threaded together, braiding them into a single rope. And, when it is finished, the strength of that rope is exponentially greater than any individual cord. In fact, even all of the cords, together, could not begin to match the strength or hold the same weight as the braided cord.
So, if you’re going through dark days, I encourage you to take hope. He is able to make your marriage something deeper and more beautiful than books or movies can portray. Stop looking elsewhere or even imagining yourself with another spouse. Instead, lean on Him, and ask Him how you can fill your role, each day. As you do that, He will settle the rest!
[Note: For those who are in situations where the safety of themselves or the children are in jeopardy, I do advise getting to safety and seeking help! Though it was very difficult for her — as one of those children — I am grateful that my own mother did]
Hope for the Single
WHEN, GOD?! WHEN?
I hear you. More than you know!
I was a somewhat unusual child in this respect. I felt a deep ache and longing in my heart, beginning around five years old. By that time, my home situation had already become a bit grim. I would often imagine myself finding someone who understood that feeling — someone I could shield and protect and who would walk through life with me.
I imagine that there is something in particular about deep pain and grief that intensifies our desire — even our need — to feel loved and understood. To make matters worse, the deeper that pain becomes, the smaller the number of people around us becomes who even could understand. This can certainly make the loneliness worse.
If you’ve felt this way — no doubt, you’ve come across people who seem much less affected by this perceived lack. These often don’t understand the depth of your longing. I’ve seen some people even mock the ones who feel somewhat desperate in their hope for someone to love and to understand them.
The reality is, the vast majority of people at least appear to not take the whole thing very seriously at all. Some are content to bounce from one partner to the next without giving it much more thought than whether their physical desires are met. While I believe that many are just masking their own feelings from the world, there are likely also many others who are simply unaware that their own feelings of emptiness exist — choosing, instead, to chase pleasures, money, or accolades in an effort to drown those feelings out.
Although I can’t say for certain, I think that the majority of those who feel such a deep longing are those who tend to think and feel very deeply in general. They’ve observed or experienced life and have seen that physical or intellectual pleasures will not fill the void. Many have also experienced their own profound pain or struggles in life, and as a result, they’ve discovered the ugliness that lives in the world. Somehow, being aware of these things only seems to intensify the loneliness and longing. Some may even feel envious of those who seem blissfully content in their wandering.
If that is you, let me just say that I understand. And, as a brother in Christ, I hurt with you.
When we find ourselves in a place of loneliness — especially with the weight of unfortunate circumstances bearing down on us — those feelings of longing for connection tend to grow deeper.
For those in this place, I can only suggest turning to the Lord. Although this place is painful, even excruciating at times, I can honestly tell you that — like my lonely season I shared of earlier — God’s Hand is working more on you in those seasons than in any other. Although it may seem hard to imagine — when your soul is crying out within you, it is often God who put that cry in you to begin with!
The truth is — I am still in such a season, myself.
This season has been an exceptionally long one; and, in terms of difficulty, the word “excruciating” does not even begin to describe it. I’ve been trounced in every way imaginable. Finances, health, sanity, friends — even largely my natural hope — have all been entirely long gone for years, now.
I’m reminded of a very profound experience I had during a time of crying out to God that happened about a year ago.
I cried out to God in agony and asked, “Will my anguish go on forever until I die, or is it only a season, after which I will rest and be refreshed?”
In very Jesus-like fashion, He spoke back, giving an answer to a question I didn’t ask.
“Every breath taken in is from the Lord,” He said. “Each brings refreshing, and you cannot survive without the next.”
Taking another shot at it — I responded, “Why must my soul scream out in agony?”
I then saw myself — in my mind’s eye — hunched over on the ground, as if letting out an inutterable, loud, groan that seemed to go on forever. I recognized the feeling immediately. It was a picture of what had been going on inside of me, for what felt like a never-ending season of grief.
With this image, He responded, “You are developing your voice.”
Frustrating as that answer may have been for a moment, I quickly was made to understand that it was the very loneliness, the agony, the pain — even the few weeks where I was literally on the edge of death each day — which made that groan grow louder. As time moved forward, my spiritual “vocal cords” were growing stronger, which in turn made my “voice” stronger.
Somehow, I understood that the end result would be the ability to speak with Truth and to stand under extreme circumstances. And, although this whole experience should have seemed unsatisfying — because it did not directly answer my question of “how long” — I felt far more peace than the situation should have warranted. Surprisingly, it was a better answer than a “real” answer could have been. Though my pain did not subside — my spirit was refreshed, and I felt strength to persevere in the pain.
To put it another way — I took a breath in — and, it was exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
Now, you might be wondering what any of that has to do with being single. The truth is, I might have let Jesus’s non-answer-answers rub off on me a bit…
You see, I don’t think the real question is about simply being single.
I think — if we’re being honest with ourselves — we’re really talking about something much deeper. At the core of it, we’re talking about a feeling of lack, of loneliness, and of difficulty carrying the weight of life by ourselves.
To you, dear single friend, my recommendation is this — stand and continue to cry out to God in private. Do not be overly eager to find a mate, but use this time to pursue Him passionately.
However, though many tend to twist this into advice that you should not look at all — I don’t suggest that you avoid looking, entirely. Instead, I believe that it is okay to look, but keep Him first and central as you do. This will help you to learn how to keep Him central when you’ve found the one for you.
Finally, considering the life and lessons from the story of Joseph during his trial between the dream and the promise, I have two pieces of advice.
1. Don’t give up on the dream
Don’t let anyone make you feel foolish for desiring a mate. However, I also recommend being willing to pray for strength and the ability to stand even without a mate.
2. Understand that this time of hardship is meant to prepare you for the dream
Before the dream, Joseph experienced slavery followed by wrongful imprisonment.
Likewise, before becoming king, David experienced struggle and difficulties with the current king during his tenure with him. Eventually, he even found himself stripped of everything, on the run, and in hiding in the wilderness for years.
Beyond that, we know the story of the Israelites, who were stuck in the wilderness — just outside their promised land. For them, however, an entire generation never got to see the promise, because they refused to stand for the dream and to let the time in the wilderness weaken their pride and prepare their hearts for the battle ahead.
If you’re seeking the Lord and pursuing Him passionately, I believe that not only does He have a special plan for you and your life; but, for many people, I believe He also has a special partner who is meant to run the same race. What I am confident of for each of us, however, is that He will give you the Grace to endure every season — both those with and those without a partner.
If you’re struggling — seek Him, and let Him do His work in your life!
The Deeper Dream
This last section may be a little harder to hear, but it is also important. My advice for both the married and the single was to not give up the dream — and I stand by that.
But, I wouldn’t be giving you an honest answer, if I did not also acknowledge the sovereignty of God and the magnitude of His own plan.
I mentioned earlier that God places a longing in our hearts, and I also said that He is the greatest fulfillment of that longing. However, like Adam in the garden, God understands that we do have an innate desire for companionship in this world, and He gifted us with marriage for that purpose!
I must also point out, though, that with God — although our dreams do often originate from Him — we do not always see a clear picture or the full depth of His dream at the start.
I remember hearing two stories, on two separate occasions, of two women living in New York. Both women had physical disabilities.
As I recall — one woman had moved to New York from Romania, and the second was a local woman. And, though I don’t believe the two women had ever met — aside from their city and physical challenges — they also shared a deep desire to be married.
The woman from Romania would go in week after week for counseling with her pastor. In each session, she would always cry and ask the pastor, “Why can’t I find a man who will love and marry me?!” The pastor was moved to tears, but he did not know what to tell her. He could only sit there, hurting along with her.
Like the first, the local woman dreamed, desperately, of having a marriage. Her dream also included having a baby to call her own. To remind herself to stay in faith for her dream, she’d even gone to the store to buy a very specific item. Strangely — she bought a bar of soap, which she kept, untouched, at her apartment, for years.
Also like the woman from Romania, the local woman faithfully attended church. Unlike the Romanian, however, she kept herself in high spirits, often taking out the strange item she’d purchased, thanking God, in her optimistic expectancy of her dream being fulfilled.
Sadly, however, the years came and went. The two women eventually progressed into their late fourties, still having never found a mate.
I heard of how the local woman went in to her pastor’s office, one day; and, as he reached out his hand to greet her, the woman slapped an odd, rectangular object down into it. She’d given him her bar of soap!
“I don’t need this anymore!” she exclaimed.
The pastor looked down at his hand and back up at her, with a puzzled expression. He didn’t know what to say.
The woman laughed and began to explain…
When I was a little girl — every morning when my daddy would stand at the sink and shave, I would stand right next to him with a bar of soap. When he was ready for it, I was always right there to hand it to him. That always made me feel so useful and helpful. Because of that, I’ve held on to this as a reminder of my dream to have a husband who I could help like that some day.
She went on to tell the pastor that although she still loved and trusted God, she was trading in her dream for a deeper dream. She didn’t quite know what it was yet, but she had decided to trust Him and obey. What she did know, was that He was calling her to something deeper.
Although she gave away her bar of soap that day, she never did give up on her dream. That woman went on to work with orphans and ended up deeply loving many more children than she would have if she had started her own family. In addition to that, she ended up being a help and having a greater impact on many more lives than she likely would have as a housewife.
Although I have no doubt that it was incredibly painful, I believe that her sacrifice of her vision of the dream, for God’s vision, led her to a place of greater fulfillment for that inner longing than any man ever could have.
Beyond that, I believe that her longing was deeper than even she knew, and that all those years she’d spent waiting in faith prepared her heart to love deeper than she was capable at the start.
Though she may not have realized it, the moment she placed that bar of soap into the pastor’s hand, she was really just handing it to her Daddy one last time. Her Heavenly Father was finally ready, and when He asked her to hand Him that old bar — even after all the years of waiting — she was still standing there, ready and willing to give it to Him. That day, she became more useful than ever before, and she lived every day that followed being just as helpful to Him.
As for the woman from Romania — sadly, her story does not end the same way. Her pastor told that she’d eventually stopped coming in for counseling. Months later, he got worried and began to ask about her. He eventually learned that she had given up, gone back to Romania, and had taken her own life.
Friends, I encourage you not to give up on the dream, but I also must gently encourage you to be willing to put your view of that dream on the altar. Be willing to tell God that even if it doesn’t look exactly how you imagine — you still want the deeper dream.
Now — before you get too depressed, the truth is, God doesn’t take pleasure in crushing or hurting his people. He doesn’t give us dreams just to smash them, in order to teach us a lesson about not desiring things for ourselves. What’s more — I don’t believe that many of us will have to walk a path as difficult as these two women did.
It is true, however, that some of us will suffer great difficulties and pain, for His sake, just as He suffered greatly for ours. But, even for those who do suffer pain, He provides a Grace to endure and even Joy to sustain you to the end. And, we also know, from the Word, that those who faithfully endure hardship receive an even greater eternal reward.
Whatever the case may be for His plan for you, it is important to remember that God’s Deeper Dream is richer and more fulfilling than yours ever can be. Whether it looks a little different or a lot, the end result of His dream will be much more gratifying!
So — even if your marriage doesn’t look like the picture you drew in middle school — even if your life didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped — even if, to the world, it looks like you’ve been crushed and have lost everything for good — the deep, inner fulfillment of God’s Dream still far exceeds even your greatest imagination. And, like the patriarchs in the Bible, God is faithful to bring us out of the dark seasons so that we can see His goodness in the land of the living!
Beyond that, the weight of glory in the world to come, for all who’ve suffered and endured difficulty in this life, is far greater than we can imagine. We also know that the very same glory, and its rewards, are eternal and that their magnitudes are far more spectacular than what we can even fathom while on this earth.
In all of this, I hope you will walk away encouraged, understanding that God places dreams within us; yet, He also knows the fullness of them more than we do. And, ultimately, the fulfillment of His dream is far more satisfying than if it all went according to how we imagine it.
If you’re walking in obedience, yet still struggling with what looks like a broken or delayed dream — hold on to Him. Though struggle may last for a season, He does not leave His beloved disappointed.
In a great show of God’s Nature, we see His faithfulness to fulfill His plans demonstrated in His Words to the prophet Habakkuk.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3
Finally — if He asks for it — I hope you’ll be willing to hand him your bar of soap. What you’ll get in return will be worth infinitely more. And, it will probably look a lot more like the dream you started with than you might expect — even though it may feel like you’re giving yours away.
A Final Word of Advice For the Single and the Married
The road ahead will be a battle — even once you’re married!
Let all hardship drive you close to God and closer to “the one” who He’s provided for you. Learn to fight alongside one another and not against one another — remembering that “one can chase a thousand, but two can chase ten thousand.” And, also, “a house divided against itself cannot stand.”
If you’re not married yet, learn to be considerate and kind to those who are around you, putting their needs first and overlooking their faults. Show the love that Christ shows you, and you will quickly become the person who God is able to gift with a true gem of a spouse. Take the time, also, to observe and to learn what traits are admirable in others so that you will be able to recognize them in a potential spouse. This way, when the time comes, you will choose wisely.
It’s better to wait, gain knowledge, and become a more loving person, than it is to make a hasty decision before you’re ready. Though God may protect you from making the wrong decision, as He did for me, it’s still a very painful and costly thing to make a misstep. That sort of pain can be avoided by simply relying on Him and walking in obedience.
Also, please know that God does not give bad gifts to his children! Consider what type of gift you would be, today, if He were to give you to one of his beloved children. Ask yourself honestly — would you be a blessing?
If you’re short-tempered, abusive, selfish, etc. do not expect God to give you His Best. If He did, He would be blessing one child and cursing the other. This is also why I said that God has a special “one” for some. For those whose hearts are passionately pursuing Him, I believe His plans are more advanced than for those who do not take their walk with God seriously. It may also be that they will have to wait a little longer, in some cases, as God is developing their character.
Finally, whether married or single, prepare yourself by learning to Love like He Loves and to endure hardship, knowing that it is in the places of fire and trials that we learn and grow.
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:3-4
God bless you in your pursuit of Him and of the very same Love that threads two cords into three!